Things are changing in my world - which has been on the cards for sometime. I'm almost paralysed with dread to actually go forth and implement the changes myself but I can't delay the inevitable any longer. I've put off doing what I'm about to do for over a year now.. It is - sadly but best for all - that I'm leaving The Texan. It comes as no real surprise to anyone -- except possibly him.
I'm in a relationship that is comfortable and easy going.. we live in a gorgeous house, surrounded by lovely mutual friends.. Our lifestyle is pretty good and we get along well. In essence however - I am not in love. I thought that my years of seeking passion were just folly and that real relationships were about so much more.. hmmm that is somewhat true - except I miss passion. I miss being excited about someone. I miss actually wanting to be in the same room as that someone. I can't do 'just comfortable'. It is also not fair to him. I'm not really there - I haven't been for sometime. I feel like I live at least 3 other lives and he is not privvy to any of them apart from the one he 'thinks' we have..
The major hurdle presently is going through with it. I've tried to start the conversation at least 20 times over the past few days and just can't utter a word. I find myself hiding with a book in my favourite chair just avoiding any kind of conversation. On weekends I do everything I can not to be in the house. I feel like a fraud and a coward.
My plan then is to go to dinner Wednesday night (after a dinner counseling session with a girlfriend tonight) and have 'the conversation'. I don't think there is ever a perfect place, time, situation to be in to do this... I just feel like somewhere out of the house with a captive audience may be the best option.. If we weren't living together it would be so much easier!
The last time I left someone was exactly 10 years ago. I was more of a coward then - I just left the country and didn't really tell him we'd broken up! We'd been living in Edinburgh for a couple of years and he wanted to travel to Japan - I wanted to go to New York and Toronto and then we were meant to hook up again back in Oz.. we never did.. he came home and realised I'd moved on long before.
What I wouldn't do for a ticket (and job, home, life) overseas right now.. What I wouldn't do to be the one who was being dumped!
I won't even get started on the semantics of how much time I have wasted in my life on relationships that haven't been right... no that blog fodder may come at a later date!
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