Truth is Stranger then Fiction

Like most dysfunctional families mine often have stella moments that are more absurd then a days of our lives plot line..

After all my brothers and I come from your standard 1960's mismatched breeding stock.. The father a militant army major - The mother a flower power free spirit with questionable taste in men and lifestyle choices. I myself inherited something from each of them.. From him a detachment that develops when you're abandoned several times while your future life is played out in courtrooms while they decide 'who should keep you'.. And from her the addictive to everything gene - and questionable taste in men.

My oldest brother is as straight as the man who fathered him and my middle brother takes more after hippy lady. As the youngest I get to play the role of Sensible Daughter - sometimes with conviction and sometimes I'm just a damn good actor.

At Christmas time I took sensible daughter persona home for 2 hrs bright and early - on purpose avoiding drinking hours (which can really run anywhere between 11am and 11am so I was really avoiding peak hours). My middle brother - who is well into his late late 30's and never leaves my mothers side - was already hooking into a XXXX at 9am - it wasn't his first (hint on which suburb I grew up in right there people!). He had a new girlfriend at the table - she's the grand old age of 22 (he's 39) with a truckers mouth. Within 5 mins of meeting her I was wondering about the evolution of species and what off shoot she belonged to. If there was a Miss Bogan Universe Comp - she'd win - hands down. My mother - who can pretty much tolerate anyone considering she had been married to my father and produced 3 children with him - had an obvious dislike for this new girlfriend. Her body language was classic! Her biting snake tongue deliciously nasty because Miss Bogan 2008 was totally oblivious - considering she was too busy talking non stop about how stupid my brother was and ridiculing anything anyone else said - all the while sipping on a UDL and smoking through a packet of Holidays in under 2hrs... they come in packs of 50's! Now my family still live in Bogan Land and I'm as Kath and Kim as the next child from the suburbs of rusted out car bodies in front yards - but seriously this chick is something else - she puts most other bogans to shame! Or just highlights why the fuck I got out of that town in a hurry.

See I can bag out my brother - so can anyone blood related to him.. But not some 22 yr old biggest loser of boganworld. (shoot me for being cruel I'm being major bitch N this morning)

Another useful bit of information about my middle brother is that he has 2 children who are both exactly the same age.. No. Not twins. He just happened to get 2 woman pregnant at the same time. One had a girl and one a boy - the mother of the boy didn't come forward and tell my brother or us that the boy was his until he was 8. Also my brother at the age of 38 became a grandfather - after his 16 year old daughter had a child.... cue breakdown as my mother realised she was a great grandmother. How many great grandmothers do you know out there that still partake in the weed - daily..
Yesterday I was in the worlds longest meeeting when I get a phone call from my mother about how she needs to tell me something. These are words I don't particularly like hearing from my family - the outcome is usually something I don't want to hear.

When I eventually called my mother back she started the conversation with 'Guess what your brother has done now?' She didn't even bother to wait for my reply - we've had this conversation a thousand times - we don't need filler anymore - just may as well get straight into it.. 'Well' she said 'He's about to become a father again'. Me: 'Not to?.." Her: 'Yes - her'.. We then proceeded to rant for a while. Obviously the don't sell condoms in boganworld or hand out brain cells.

Before I got off the phone my mother said - 'You know I'd prefer to hear that you were pregnant but we know that is never going to happen'.. here we go.. this is the part where I say 'Well maybe - you can't say never..' etc etc.. Until eventually she came out with the quote of 08 so far: 'You are getting on you know.. you've just about run out of time'.

HOW DID THIS BECOME ABOUT ME!!!!!

Blooging in the midst of moving - now that's dedication!