The back history to this 'friend' with the computer is a 17 year (yes 17!!!) history of an on off relations/friendship/ whatever.. he is older then me by 11 years and we met when I was in my very very early early 20's (on a dancefloor at a concert..blah). We are fairly toxic for each other which is precisely why we have never been in a real relationship - ever. He is the complete opposite of what I even find remotely attractive in a man. We have played house before, we have tried to stay friends, we are not what each other needs or wants but we somehow end up spending way too much time together until it reaches some strange boiling point. It's an oft repeated pattern of which I should know better about.
All of this of course is a completely separate issue to the computer but has a lot to do with how it is now playing out. When he's angry at me he can be quite cruel. I grew up with cruel so I bite back. That is not always a good thing obviously..
So where are we at now..? Well he came over. We sit at the table on the back deck and he starts talking about the model of computer he wants and says that if I pay for the base model (at $2600) he will then pay the difference in upgrading it - memory etc.. I listen and then offer $2000. My reasons are that the computer should have been put away, it was an accident and I know he was looking to upgrade anyway. He comes back at me that that is completely ridiculous and that if it was reversed we wouldn't even be having this discussion he would just buy me a new one. I reply that I would have insurance as well as not leave the laptop out during a party.. in a perfect world anyway. He then asks for $2500.. I pretty much agree (cause I suck!) and then we go into why we are now 'finished' - for the last time. It's too much to write here. My heart is kind of hurting, kind of angry but most of all resolved to change a pattern of behaviour.. I hate losing friends - but I recognise I may need to..
It's times like these we learn to live again... (thanks Foo Fighters)
9 comments:
not right at all - I really sympathise with you.
You really don't have to give him more than the replacement value of the laptop that got wrecked. Tell him that if he won't accept your cash offer, you will just buy a replacement for him so his net loss is nothing.
I totally agree with anonymous.
This dude sounds pretty manipulative, Miss N. He knows that he's breaking your heart and that the history of your relationship is such that he can make you feel guilty for things which are not your fault.
Do not pay more than the replacement value! You are being taken advantage of here, and you're hurting. You're trying to compensate for something that is not your fault. Shelling out $2500 for a laptop won't make you feel better, it will only make you feel worse.
Pay $2000, if you feel that's just. But no more.
p.s middle comment is from the sock victim he was incensed when he read your post re the computer.
We have been discussing this all night and this morning - you should only pay for the replacment of actual damaged computer - send the late computer's owner a note with a cheque for the amount you think is right and call the whole thing off. You will feel bad and guilty but you will have done he right thing for you, only because the ex sounds like he is pulling all strings possible. Toxic is what he sounds like.
In the end look after yourself.
Missfee/ S.V / cupcake - thanks, very very much appreciated.. I was obviously feeling very torn as to what is the right thing to do and am so grateful for your words! I've since sent him a text saying that I'm sticking to the 2 grand value which I think is more then reasonable.
What about paying in installments, even if you can afford to pay the whole amount it will mean you are not just allowing all this string pulling to be happening.
Um... id tell him to get fucked. Id offer a grand. It was an accident. Prick. If he's mean to you Miss, leave him behind!! love, much xxx
To everyone - I've had the most amazing advice and support that has really helped me not wrap my head in a shroud of guilt. Thank you! On the outside (in RL) a couple of close friends have also stood by the collective theme of only paying him 2k - and even that they say is too much! It's looking like I'll just get a bank cheque and register post it to him (this is advice from a legal friend).
For the life of me, I will never understand women.
You don't owe him a dime! He is a prick, as far as I'm concerned.
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